Friday, August 21, 2009

What if Jim Balsillie got a NHL franchise

Here is how Jim Balsillie's first Board of Governors meeting might go:

Gary Bettman: Let’s get the Governors’ meeting started, we have a full agenda. I would like to welcome our newest Governor representing Hamilton, Jim Balsillie.

Jim Balsillie: Thank you Commissioner. However, I would like it noted for the record that I did not receive notification for the previous two Governors’ meeting nor this one. I happened to have found out about from a reporter.

GB: Jim that was likely a mix up with our distribution list. We will look into it and get back to you. By the way do you happen to have the name of that reporter?

JB: That’s note important. It would be better if we got on with the agenda, in particular I need to raise some issues with the league schedule.

GB: Well Bill can respond to questions regarding our schedule. I can tell you our staff had our work cut out for us with the sudden transfer of your franchise.

JB: Well I recognize the difficulty in last minute changes to the schedule but we have three double headers in our schedule. I have never heard of a hockey team being required to play two games in the same day. This is the NHL not a weekend youth hockey tournament.

Bill Daly: We were only able to schedule games on dates that arena still had clear days. Since these changes had to be made last minute we had very little flexibility. This represents the most feasible schedule.

JB: But we are playing double headers in two different cities on the same day. On December 12 we play in Dallas in the afternoon and Hamilton in the evening. On January 9 we play in Philadelphia in the afternoon and Los Angeles in the evening. On January 30 we play in Toronto in the evening and later in the evening in Vancouver. I also notice that no other team had to accommodate double headers.

BD: This schedule represents our best effort. Hamilton will just have to try their best to make these games. Did we happen to mention the $1 million penalty for missing a game?

GB: Jim is that a Blackberry on the table in front of you?

JB: Yes it is.

GB: Well you might as well put it away. The NHL has an exclusive contract with Apple to use their iPhone. As part of that agreement we have equipment in our offices that blocks radio signals to Blackberrys.

BD: Getting back to our agenda, there is a proposal from Craig Leipold regarding the Amateur Draft.

Craig Leipold: I would like to move that Hamilton forfeit all draft picks in 2010 and 2011 Amateur Draft.

JB: Now hold on here, that’s not fair. Why would you make such a motion?

CL: Well we just don’t like you Jim.

Jerry Jacobs: I second the motion.

GB: All in favour?

All: Aye.

GB: Carried.

JB: What a pile of crap!

Richard Peddie: I would like to make a motion under other business.

GB: Go right ahead Rich.

RP: I would like to move that the Hamilton franchise be renamed Hamilton Sucks.

Mike Illitch: I second that motion.

GB: All in favour?

All: Aye.

GB: Carried.

JB: I see what’s going on here. The NHL will be hearing from my lawyers.

GB: Well that concludes our business for today. Thank you gentlemen for coming today. Jim, enjoy your franchise.